This is not the ranting of a single individual, nor is it a cry out for attention to the fact that I think relationships are doomed, but a matter of stating obvious facts that I have either witnessed first hand or via someone close to me.
It may or may not come as a surprise that someone as mature and (cough) attractive as myself has only been in one (yes, 1) relationship in my 22 years of life on this Earth. I thought about relationships before entering into my first one the way they are portrayed in movies shown on the Lifetime Channel: two beautiful people who were not supposed to fall in love find out they are exactly the ones for each other, overcoming obstacles along the way and having crazy adventures in the process. Televised relationships are all that way. Sometimes they win, sometimes they die, and sometimes they are based on true stories (I still think 'Pretty Woman' has a chance to be rooted in non-fiction).
Alas, however, relationships that happen on a 42" flat screen tv aren't always coated in sugar. Sometimes they are raw, hard, and quite impossible to have. Take mine for example. I thought everything was going well - true we had our share of disagreements and from time to time we would ignore each other as we blew off steam, but in none of that time did I think something was seriously wrong. I was in it to win it because I honestly saw something good in this person - something that a lot of other people in my life did not. But it came to an end unexpectedly when he decided without me that it would be better to get out of the relationship in the most awful way possible. Cheating.
Looking back on the entire situation, I would be lying if I said that it affected me more than what it did - but it didn't. As much as I tried to cry and be angry, I just couldn't find it. True, I was more disappointed in the acts that lead up to and after the break-up, but in the days after I came to a realization that I think will save me a lot of time and heartache.
I do not do relationships.
I will be the first one to tell you that I am a greedy person. I like my space, I like nice things, I kick in my sleep, and I like the fact that I can go out and do what I want when I want without having to report to anyone. There are some people in this world who like having what I see as a "probation officer" that they have to text every moment of everyday, spend every waking hour with, and even ruin the ties and relationships with their friends and family just to make sure the other person is "happy." If I were to do that, I do not think Ruth Ann Ruth would be too happy with what her son had been reduced to.
I've been raised to believe never let anyone tie you down - and I have lived by that fact for a long time. I've been self-sufficient since my sophomore year in high school when I began modeling and working for an agency. I have lived a life up until now that most people never get to imagine living in a lifetime - and I am thankful everyday for that. And I do not think that I could have done that being in a relationship.
I also do not have the time to worry about the barbs that are thrown after a relationship ends. I know that with mine, things were okay at first, but then things were said (primarily about me, the non cheater) that should have been made public knowledge from the get go. I was deemed as being "too good for everyone" and "stuck up," and even an "asshole." All of which are true. I am too good for everyone, because so far the one's I have met either don't meet basic needs, or have messed up too many times to even think about trying to repair them. Stuck up? Perhaps. Maybe it is due to the fact most people never strive to meet their full potential ... and I do not have time to be a breadwinner or someone's mentor. Be a self starter. And an asshole. Yes, an asshole. I speak my mind, and I won't hold my feelings back. If that makes me an asshole then so be it. I'll be the biggest asshole in the world.
And after witnessing a horrific scene last night between one of my best friends and a relationship gone awry - full of rumor spreading, yelling, and tears - I cannot help but think of why anyone would even reduce themselves to that kind of pain.
There are some that claim that in order to have pleasure you have to be subjected to some kind of pain. To me, that isn't the full truth. I have had plenty of pleasurable moments - and most of them have never ended with tears, worries, or regret.
To those of you in committed, healthy, and happy relationships I wish you nothing but the best. Maybe you have figured out the secrets needed to keep your partners happy. To those hopeless romantics, do not fret. Maybe they're out there and maybe they aren't. Live your life the fullest and if someone comes along, great. It's not the end of the world.
And to those like me, I say I feel you.
I know you.
I love you.
KLR
